Those Old Men

I've been quite occupied by a lot of things (not romantically though) over the past months that I wasn't able to write anything or have deep thoughts about love, relationship or anything that has to do with romance.

Well, what's my status? Still single and I'm enjoying it far more than before. I get to travel, dine, go out and mingle with different people. With everything that I currently have, new friends, fabulous job, cool family and more money to spend, what more can I ask for?

Flings? I'm still in the process of determining what I really want. My strong attraction and fascination to older men confuses me. As I mingle more and know the stories of a handful people, I started finding guys who are at least 10 years older than me to be very sexy and interesting. But let's face the fact, these men are probably married, engaged or at the very least, single but with kids.

Finding someone who'll be with me long term is like finding a needle in a mountain of hay. With the personality I have projected to the public (the timid, kind, and very conservative me), getting into these type of men is currently a big "No! No!" to me. My sane mind is telling me to look after those boys at my age who would most likely love to watch movies, play basketball and go to the gym. My inner self tells me though that I'd enjoy it if my man is older.

23 and still single

It's been a long time since I managed to blog about my lovelife. Well, that's because I have nothing to tell. My last entry about LM who's not getting in touch with me was my last encounter about the word "love". And to count the days, weeks or months when I last experienced romance, the giggle, the sweet dreams, and cheesyness in life means counting my stay on my new work. That's roughly 7 months.

It's no longer updated if I'll say that I am 22 because I have gained another year. Yes, I am already 23 and as always, I am still single. :)

Right now, I am listening to Arms by Christina Perrie and I won't give up by Jason Mraz. These are my new favorites and I just realized that I have no one to dedicate the songs.

Dear Future Lover, if you're already around... please give me a sign.

By the way, if anybody is asking if I'm happy being single, Yes I am. I may not yet be complete, but I am happy.

No message from you

I didn't get any message for the past couple of days. No calls, no emails, no SMS, no chat. It means I have to move on. Just in time for my new work which just started today. :)

Please get in touch with me in the next couple of days

Dear LM,

Why are you making it so hard for me? I cant help but wonder whether you're just playing me around or not. Im trying hard not to expect anything from you.

I was hoping to see you. I was hoping to talk to you and hug you before I start my new job. I look forward to hear your tips, your recommended dos and don'ts. You just don't know how much I trust you. You don't know how much I am dying to laugh with you. I got used of seeing you around, talking to you, having coffee with you, having dinner with you, watching movies with you. And yet, it feels that you're so far away. It feels that i don't matter anymore.

I've been waiting for a text message asking for a coffee date but I didn't get it from you. I got it from another friend. I was hoping for a videoke invitation but I received it from my new barkadas. I was hoping that you would call me because I am thinking that you also long to hear my voice; but then, this new close friend of mine, calls me more often and talks to me longer on the phone. You even made me wait for an hour or two during meet ups. And what hurts more is when you weren't able to come on my last dinner with the team.

Please don't tell me that I just misinterpreted everything because I felt the sincerity in your heart during those days. Anyway, I wish I would hear from you in the next couple of days. Because if not I guess that means I have to completely ignore your face that's popping on my mind.

Falling In and Out of Love

Recently, I no longer had the urge to write about random shallow things about romance. Perhaps the feelings that I have towards someone (if there is any) is not that intense to encourage me to sing happy songs, smile all day and give cheesy meanings to any statement or quotes that I read, hear or remembers.

To that guy who said that I am still a kid, I feel sorry that I did not get to write the mix of emotions that I have towards him. A lot of things are running in my mind over that 2 months. Yet, due to my uncertainty and my fears of falling for the wrong person, the wrong time and wrong reasons, my fingers were held tight from writing a blog.

Right now, all I can do is to reminisce how stupid I was. The logger-headed me got mesmerized by a guy opposite of my dreams. Haha! and the irony of it, that guy has been in my dreams for a number of nights. He is always the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last one to cross my mind before I close my eyes at night. He is the dude I long to talk to over the phone and receive text messages from. His coffee invitation makes me jump to excitement that I later ended to always initiate the meet up.

Mind you, I've already dreamed of him as my husband despite all our opposites... the age gap, and body built difference. Yet, I feel so comfortable being with him. All the shallow talks, foolish jokes and witty comments have compensated everything.

He also don't know how hard I tried not to let anybody know how I feel. I am not sure whether he has mentioned those dates that we had to anybody. But as for me, I was controlling myself so much from saying anything because I was afraid that I was just overanalyzing the things that he does and says.

By the way, I have another confession to make, I was rereading his old skype messages to me. I got to backread until November 2010. And it made me wonder, has he felt anything for me during that time? Haha! And one more thing, I also hate Facebook because it started saving chat conversations just recently. I can no longer read backread those Landi much chats with him. If these chat messages were still there, I've probably read them a hundred times.

Oh well, all I am just trying to say is that I fell in love with him. But now, I am not sure if I've already fallen out of love. Is it that fast or is it just his absence that makes me think that the feeling is gone?

You matter more to me

It's frustrating how your presence matters so much to me... how much I want to see you... how I long to hear your voice.

Yesterday, I backread all of our skype conversations, I missed you more.

And I dont understand myself, for I almost cried when you sent me the text message last night that you'll "try to follow". When I realized that the message means there is no certainty that I can see you last night, I felt extreme disappointment. And since I know that I do not have the right to be mad at you, I hated myself more for feeling that way.

Badtrip! Bat ganito ang epekto mo sa ken???

By the way, I was happy when I went to bed last night for I got to kiss your cheek again. :)

It didn't hurt

Funny when you realized that you have really moved on. Some may not believe it, but it can happen easily. Or perhaps I never really loved the person, I just loved the idea of being inlove.

Earlier today, my friend asked me if I was hurt last night. I said, "No". A single word, without any explanation. I just knew it didn't hurt.

And yes I realized just now, it's supposed to hurt last night but I was glad all night long. Or if it haven't sunk in yet that night, I should've felt it today. But na... Last night was one of the blast. I'm happy and I see things on the bright side.

The next question now is, Why did I moved on that fast and that easy? (chuckles...) I have an idea but it's something I have yet to confirm.