My last love letter for IH

Why did you say those words? Those could have mean a lot if I heard them from you seven years ago. Isn't it funny? You're saying those words when those sweet things don't mean anything to me.

I heard that you're already a dad. If I may quote you, "IH, the proud dad".

I can imagine how pretty your daughter could be. She must have gotten your eyes. Those dark eyes which have always captured my attention. I hope she got that smooth brown skin of yours. Perhaps she also smiles the way you do.

I wanna see her... I always visit your profile just to check if you have uploaded her pictures.

I hope you'll learn to love the mother of your baby. I have nothing against the mom, but at this early stage, I feel sorry for her. I don't quite understand why you don't speak about her. How come you don't even have a picture of her... and how come you are saying those words to me when you know that someone is longing and waiting for you.

You know that I have loved you... you were my first love. But I am not sure if you have also felt the same way.

Don't think that the reason why I don't wanna meet you is because I am still the fifteen year old me. I have grown up... I have changed. I don't wanna see you yet... Not now. I know that you are currently at your weakest point, you might say words that you will later regret.

I love you... It is true that first love never dies. But it can change from a romantic love to a brotherly love.

Fidelity....

FIDELITY by Regina Spektor

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart

Why can't gravity make you fall for me?

I envy those people who blog about happy thoughts. I hope I can be like them too.

Why is it easier for me to talk about the negative feelings I have? Law of attraction!!! Please help me... Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!

Where's happiness?

Please forgive me for my grammar and my spelling. I did not have a formal study on the language that I will be using. My way of writing is based on my usual conversation and how I've seen my grandfather write letters and stories. For those who can understand this language, you don't have to feel sorry for me. This is just a confession of a drama queen.

Mapagal na cu. Bala cu ali cu magsawa caring pamangawan cu... Bala cu ali cu aranasang maging macanini calungcut. Macapagal pala ing manenaya caring bageng ali mu balu nung datang.

Macamurit ing mamasa. Macamurit ing magpanggap a agyu cu ing eganagana, magcunwari cung ali cu apectado istung ali mu apapansinan ing pamangawan cu. Ating oras a aiisip cu, macarine nala pala ding pemangawa cu. Minsan pa, maybug cung gumaga uling ali mu cu aintindyan, uling ala mu queca ing pamangawan cu.

Pero anggang macanta, tutuloy cu pa rin ing cabolangan cu. Anggang mapagal na cu, sasawa na cu, maririne na cu ampong mamumurit na cu, ali cu tutucnang. Ali cu pa naman ginaga dahil queca... pero ditac na mu, pipilitan cung ali.

Handa cung manenaya queca. Anggang malambat, alang casu canacu ita. Pero ini ing paquisabi cung mayap, nung ali mu cu agyung luguran, sabyanan mu cu. Ali mu sabyan canacu ing tabalu. Uling ing tabalu, dinan na cung maling pag-asa. Lalu mu cu mung pasaquitan.

Dear Self, how are you?

Dear Self,

How are you? It's been a long time since I bothered to ask.

I was remembering how you were like two years ago.

It's September of 2008 and you've started on your first job after college. Remember, how hard it was for you to give up the business that you and your friends put up? How it felt when you were unsure if you would still be friends after that business flapped. But then you managed to be together and you realized the difference between keeping someone's company and having a friend.

On these past two years, you had a lot of your firsts.

You had your first airplane ride.
It was your first time in Bora.
You had your first helmet diving experience.
You had your first mamam (drinking alcohol) after work.
It was your first time to give false reasons to your mom why you're not staying home.
It was your first time to sleep in the hotel because you went barhopping with your girls till dawn.
You had your first real date.
You had your first kiss in the elevator.
You had your first boyfriend (imagine how stupid you were?)
It was your first time to be the other girl.
You had your first breakup.
It was your first and last time to play games and cheat on men. You were afraid of karma.
You had your first laptop.
It was your first and last time not to pay the correct amount in the restaurant (remember when you broke a plate and how you hid it under the couch to make sure that you and your friends will not pay for it?)
It was your first time to distrust your father.
You had your first investigation on your father's fidelity followed by many more investigations.
It was your first time to raise your voice to your father.
You began accepting infidelity as part of human nature.
You started not believing in marriage after what you've seen amongst the people around you.
You learned that the person who loves less has more power in a relationship.
You realized that life is unfair.
You learned that men are a bunch of perve morons (with an exception to your brothers).
You've become a totally different person.

But then, today, you've again changed. You have a different set of ideals... You started to believe in love. But of course, you are more realistic now, aren't you? Best of all, you now know what you want. You're tired of quitting and thinking of what ifs.

Please be happy...

Today is nothing but an ordinary day. Yet I feel sad... there's a feeling of emptiness. Extreme loneliness...

Other than I only have two hundred pesos in my wallet and there is nothing more I can withdraw from the ATM, there's nothing special on this day. I can't think of any valid reason to feel this distressed.

I even went home on time. Imagine? I usually leave the office at around 730pm. Working an additional hour or two from what is required from me. But today, I came to work a lot earlier, 8:27 AM and left the office at 5:33 PM.
I do not want to watch movies in my brother's laptop,
I'm not enjoying the dramas on TV,
I'm not in the mood to have the usual after work talk with my kuya.
I only want to look blankly in the air... stare at nothing and think of unnecessary things which makes me feel more alone.

Could this be what they call Mid life crisis? Well, I hope not. I'm only turning 22, I'm too young to experience that.

On a different note, seeing you today in your gray shirt made me feel better... just like any usual day. The sight of you helped, but yet I still feel awful.

Now, I'm wondering how are you feeling inside. Perhaps you feel bluer than me. Though I see you laugh, smile and nod, I can feel that you are incomplete. Your eyes are telling me that you are not completely happy.

Can you please be happy? How can I brighten up your face? I'm thinking that maybe if I'll see a gleeful you, I'll feel better. While typing these, I feel like smiling. Hmmm... I got it right. Your happiness is my happiness.

Love Letter for my Mentor

As the title says, this is my love letter for you.

You have occupied my mind for quite some months already and yet I haven't written much about you. I was back reading my previous blogs... it has been 2 months and I should be doing something more aggressive to tell you how I feel. It seems like all my clues are not affecting you. I have been dropping some cheesy lines in our skype group chats, my status message in Facebook has always been about you. I have said my feelings a number of times right in front of you but you still haven't recognized that you are the person I am describing.

You see, this is my personal blog and I have no intentions of letting people who know me to read this. Yet, I am writing this down for me to have a more vivid memory of how it feels to like you. These experiences and feelings that I currently have are what I want to remember when I get old.

My job history shows that I have the tendency to hop companies and jobs from time to time. Other than the fact that this company is the best among all that I have been, you are the reason why I managed and still manages to stay. I should have already gotten bored with the same routine that I do everyday and that is already enough reason for me to submit my resignation. Yet your smile, and your voice makes every single day different for me. You give me the reason to be excited to go to work and always have the positive attitude towards work.

As I know more about you, I seem to fall deeper and deeper to you. You should have been the most boring person that I've met. You don't drink, don't smoke, and I bet you haven't done anything wild in your whole life. These qualities do not seem attracting for a lot of people and for the old me as well. Yet I learned to love these qualities.

Since you don't give jokes that much, I always look forward hearing you crack funny statements and burst into laughs while delivering it. I love those moments... I love talking to you in coffee shops, 7-11, and in the pantry about serious stuffs. Topics which can be senseless but appears to be life changing for me. The place doesn't matter, as long as you are the one I am talking to.

If you ever got to read this, please don't ignore me nor try to hide from me. I am not sure how you would react nor if you would even realize that you are the person I am referring to in this blog. I like you... But don't worry, this is not a selfish love. I am not expecting you to love me back the way I love you. I am willing to wait... Just give me a heads up once you are ready.

Si Incredible Hulk

This morning, I was messaged through facebook by my old crush back in High School.
The usual questions like how are you, where do you work now etc...

It was supposed to be a fun conversation except for him calling me Suplada. Duhhhh... And he even got the nerve to call me suplada. The mere fact that I still accepted him as a friend in facebook and I even replied to his chat message means that I am not. It won't be easy to find someone as cool as me after all that had happened since high school and the controversies I even had in college because of him.


And now, he even asked me if I wanted to invite him for a date... If I'll say yes, it would definitely mean that I am still after him. Seeing in his profile that he's in a relationship, of course, I declined. I told him, "no... cannot be. You're taken...". Guess what did he say, "WHo told you so? Of course I'm available." And then I replied, "Would you want another issue with your current girlfriend?". Guess what he did? He logged out and left me with no reply.

Because of that conversation, I had a bad weekend. Why do attached men love to flirt on me? Do they really think that I am that desperate to go out with a taken man? I do understand men who I just met recently to act that way. They don't know me that much... But for this High School buddy to converse to me that way... I just can't believe it and it pissed me off.

Si Kras RRR

Sino ang korni? Ako.
Sino ang baduy? Ako din.
Sino ang hopeless romantic? Ako pa din.

Sa sobrang kakornihan ko, kung ano ano ang naiisip ko. Pano ba naman, ang hina mong makagets. Ang bagal mong bumasa... Ang dami ng senyales, parang wala pa rin sayo. Minsan hindi ko maintindihan kung alin ang dapat kong unahin, turuan kang bumasa o gawin ang sarili kong reader friendly.

" Prove that Y > X ".
" ang kras (crush) ko sa opisina ay may letrang R"
" ang kras ko ay may katangkaran"
" ang kras ko ay may nobya (dati)"
" You cannot shit in your own backyard"

Ang problema pa sayo, para kang babae. Kailangan may tamang timing ang mga banat sayo. Kung nagkataon lang na hindi ka ganyan, diniretso na kita.

Wag kang mag-alala, pagmamasdan pa kita at pagmumunian ng dalawang buwan. Marahil ay sapat na ang panahong yon para malaman ko kung itutuloy ko pa tong kabaduyan ko o hindi. Sa ibang salita, kikilatisin muna kita... Mahilig ako sa mga bad boys, sa mga taken na at mayayabang na tao. Hindi kaya, naging kakaiba ka kaya kita nagustuhan? Hmmm... Pwede. Abangan ang susunod na kabanata.

Hehe... baka naman pwede mo ring sabihing "Likes this" kapag nabasa mo to.

What is it like to be part of the so called "Jerkdom"?

Okay... so after writing my previous blog, I was left thinking, why do women like jerks? Why did I like a player? Why a lot of girls would rather go gaga over a jerk than date a nice guy?

Hmmm... according to my research, I fell under a jerk spell. A jerk spell is when we are seduced by a man's charm, confidence and passion. And in my case, I was taken away by the following:
The fact that he dresses like a bad boy yet he smells really good.
He has tattoos but who cares, it looks well with his weird hairstyle.
He loves to make faces but he still looks good despite of it.
He plays guitar for a band named Allecia which I think is great.
He's very artsy yet he has this cono personality.
He has a band, yet he works as a graphic artist for a hotel company.

Everything about him is just so cool. He doesn't own his wheels but then I say so what? as long as he's willing pay for the cab, I can excuse him from my standards. Oh well, who wouldn't fall for this over confident guy. Ohhh? Haha! And now, I just realized my stupidities as I backread the reasons why I liked this guy. I was really under a spell. I never saw those disguises: his confidence as arrogance, his charm for being a player and his passion for being given so much attention as if the world revolves around him.

So even if I knew right from the start that this guy is a certified player and I swear to myself that I will not be stupid when it comes to love, why did I fall for him? Why did I even consider being his second girlfriend?

Reason 1: He calls me every night to talk about shallow, cheesy things... how he loves to see me everyday, how he was mesmerized the first time he saw me in that company meeting and how he notices me whenever he hears me giggle.
Reason 2: He texts me in the morning, afternoon, evening and actually every hour (despite the fact that he sees me everyday) just to tell me that he misses me.
Reason 3: He tells me that he loves my long, straight and shiny hair (this was the time when my hair was still rebonded... haha!)
Reason 4: He tells me that he likes looking at my legs from afar.
Reason 5: He tells me how good I am whenever I get acknowledged during meetings.
Reason 6: He gets mad whenever he sees boys staring at me. (I find it cute!)
Reason 7: He gets mad, really mad... whenever I can't reply to his messages or answer his call. My friends call him possessive but during that time I think that is a sign of someone protective.
Reason 8: He tries to control me by dictating me what to wear. Though I hate it.. I love the fact that I have to argue with him and have small fights.
Reason 9: When I was ask in a bad situation in front of my boss, he whispers, " Don't worry, I am here to back you up. Nothing bad will happen to you."

I still have a bunch more reasons for liking him, my fingers are just getting tired of typing. Hehe...

Okay... despite the fact that most of the reasons I mentioned can be easily done by other men, I love liking him because of the thrill of being with him. I love the rush of adrenaline whenever we are at the office and we try to hide that secret of ours (Although sometimes, I have this feeling that he's making our relationship obvious in front of our officemates). I love the chase and the danger of being caught by his real girlfriend. I am addicted to the excitement that the danger of getting hurt once I fall in love brings. I am hooked in my ultimate goal... my ultimate challenge... the chance of getting to play a player. My dream which never came true. I never got to play him, instead I was the one played. Why? obviously I easily fell in the trap. I fell in love.

Now that we know the reasons why we fall for a jerk... as well as the symptoms and causes of loving a player... Next question is, how to avoid a player? How to get over a player?
Well, I don't know. Once I have the answers, rest assured that I will also post it here.

reminds me

Mula kagabi hanggang ngayon di ako mapakali. Pano ba naman? lahat na lang ng bagay na makita at mabasa ko... naaalala kita.

Kagabi, nagbasa ulit ako ng blog na Strange Love Addictions. At habang binabasa ko ang bawat linya sa blog na iyon, nahihirapan akong huminga. Ayun! unti unting nabubuo sa utak ko na nagkakatotoo na nga ang mga naiisip kong pwedeng mangyari o maaaring nangyayari na nga nung mga oras na magkasama tayo.

Grrr... parang gusto kong magmura kagabi. Pati pala sya nainlove na sayo. hayyy... alam mo bang kaya ko lang naman binabasa ang mga blogs nya ay para makakuha ng idea kung anong nangyayari dyan simula nung panahong nawala ako. At ayun tama nga ako, gusto ka na niya. Marahil yun ang dahilan kung kaya noon pa man, malayo na ang loob nya saken... dahil may pagtingin sya sayo. Ang dahilan kung bakit di nya ko matingnan sa mata at kung bakit bigla na lang syang nagsusuot ng mga bestida at nagsuot ng mga sapatos na may takong. Pakiramdam ko, ginagaya nya ko sa pag-aakalang magugustuhan mo sya. Sa pag-aakalang magkakainteres ka sa kanya ng higit pa sa kaibigan. Haha!

Marahil nahigitan pa nya ko ngayon dahil mukhang mapagbigay sya. Bibigay nya sayo lahat. Di ka nya matitikis... Kaya ka nyang sabayan sa pagyoyosi, kaya nyang mag-astang lalaki para sayo, kaya ka nyang halikan sa harap ng maraming tao at marahil mas kaya nyang maging number 2 sa buhay mo. Mga bagay na hindi ko kayang ibigay.

Minahal din naman kita, alam mo ba yun? Kaya lang may mga kundisyon ka. Alam kong kakayanin ko ang mga kundisyon na yun... hindi ko nga lang masasabi kung hanggang kailan... Dahil sa simula pa lang mahirap na. Maliban sa pangalawa lang ako sa legal mong nobya, nandyan pa ang nakikita kong harapang pagpapansin ng mga babae sa paligid mo. At syempre sabi mo nga, lalake ka... mahirap tumanggi sa palay.

Kabadtrip ka talaga kahit kelan...
Kabadtrip ka dahil hanggang ngayon di kita matanggal sa facebook at ym friends ko. Nahihirapan man ako, gusto kong malaman ang nangyayari sayo.
Kabadtrip ka dahil pinayagan kong magaing tagahanga ako ng banda mo sa facebook.
Kabadtrip ka dahil pati ang site ng unang tayo mong negosyo, binibisita ko.
Kabadtrip ka dahil nung mapanood ko ang paghingi ng paumanhin ni Tigerwoods dahil sa pangangaliwa nya, naalala kita. Parang ikaw lang sya...
Kabadtrip ka dahil kahit wala na tayo, tanga pa rin ako dahil sayo.

Thank goodness I'm single!

Thursday night was the usual catching up time with my old friends, chatting with highschool classmates and old colleagues. And for the nth time, I have the usual series of questions (I call it Mau's standard catching up questions):

old friend: how are you???
me: i'm good.. how bout you?
old friend: i'm fine... how's your work? where are you working?
me: it's great... i'm working in blah...blah... blah...
old friend: that's good. how's your lovelife? may boyfriend ka na???

the question of me having a boyfriend was never out in my friend's first 3 questions. Haha! For the past 21 years of my existence, I never gave them a "Yes" answer. And it always boils down to the next question. Bakit??? What's your typical guy ba?

I'm no lesbian nor a man hater. I enjoy their company... and in my mind I have always wanted to get married someday. I am not an ugly duckling who doesn't attract anybody. Though I am pretty sure that I am not your average girl.

Mind you, because of the pressure these people are giving me, i decided to give it a try. Hehe... oh well... it feels like a task for me more than a happy feeling when I'm in that relationship. He was one of my officemates who was currently courting me that time. I tried... I did my best to enjoy and make myself believe that the relationship is worth keeping for. But during those time that I was in it... it felt like hell. Haha! The relationship lasted for 6 looonnnggg days... I am not sure but perhaps right now, my one and only ex hates me much. The last time we saw each other, he didn't even give me a smile nor a nod.

Well... sometimes I think, I am the problem. Though I never really accepted that as a fact. Haha! I just find it stupid how people find it weird for someone like me or like any other girls in their early twentys who have never been in a serious relationship. They think being in a relationship is a need... I find it as a problem.