No message from you

I didn't get any message for the past couple of days. No calls, no emails, no SMS, no chat. It means I have to move on. Just in time for my new work which just started today. :)

Please get in touch with me in the next couple of days

Dear LM,

Why are you making it so hard for me? I cant help but wonder whether you're just playing me around or not. Im trying hard not to expect anything from you.

I was hoping to see you. I was hoping to talk to you and hug you before I start my new job. I look forward to hear your tips, your recommended dos and don'ts. You just don't know how much I trust you. You don't know how much I am dying to laugh with you. I got used of seeing you around, talking to you, having coffee with you, having dinner with you, watching movies with you. And yet, it feels that you're so far away. It feels that i don't matter anymore.

I've been waiting for a text message asking for a coffee date but I didn't get it from you. I got it from another friend. I was hoping for a videoke invitation but I received it from my new barkadas. I was hoping that you would call me because I am thinking that you also long to hear my voice; but then, this new close friend of mine, calls me more often and talks to me longer on the phone. You even made me wait for an hour or two during meet ups. And what hurts more is when you weren't able to come on my last dinner with the team.

Please don't tell me that I just misinterpreted everything because I felt the sincerity in your heart during those days. Anyway, I wish I would hear from you in the next couple of days. Because if not I guess that means I have to completely ignore your face that's popping on my mind.

Falling In and Out of Love

Recently, I no longer had the urge to write about random shallow things about romance. Perhaps the feelings that I have towards someone (if there is any) is not that intense to encourage me to sing happy songs, smile all day and give cheesy meanings to any statement or quotes that I read, hear or remembers.

To that guy who said that I am still a kid, I feel sorry that I did not get to write the mix of emotions that I have towards him. A lot of things are running in my mind over that 2 months. Yet, due to my uncertainty and my fears of falling for the wrong person, the wrong time and wrong reasons, my fingers were held tight from writing a blog.

Right now, all I can do is to reminisce how stupid I was. The logger-headed me got mesmerized by a guy opposite of my dreams. Haha! and the irony of it, that guy has been in my dreams for a number of nights. He is always the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last one to cross my mind before I close my eyes at night. He is the dude I long to talk to over the phone and receive text messages from. His coffee invitation makes me jump to excitement that I later ended to always initiate the meet up.

Mind you, I've already dreamed of him as my husband despite all our opposites... the age gap, and body built difference. Yet, I feel so comfortable being with him. All the shallow talks, foolish jokes and witty comments have compensated everything.

He also don't know how hard I tried not to let anybody know how I feel. I am not sure whether he has mentioned those dates that we had to anybody. But as for me, I was controlling myself so much from saying anything because I was afraid that I was just overanalyzing the things that he does and says.

By the way, I have another confession to make, I was rereading his old skype messages to me. I got to backread until November 2010. And it made me wonder, has he felt anything for me during that time? Haha! And one more thing, I also hate Facebook because it started saving chat conversations just recently. I can no longer read backread those Landi much chats with him. If these chat messages were still there, I've probably read them a hundred times.

Oh well, all I am just trying to say is that I fell in love with him. But now, I am not sure if I've already fallen out of love. Is it that fast or is it just his absence that makes me think that the feeling is gone?

You matter more to me

It's frustrating how your presence matters so much to me... how much I want to see you... how I long to hear your voice.

Yesterday, I backread all of our skype conversations, I missed you more.

And I dont understand myself, for I almost cried when you sent me the text message last night that you'll "try to follow". When I realized that the message means there is no certainty that I can see you last night, I felt extreme disappointment. And since I know that I do not have the right to be mad at you, I hated myself more for feeling that way.

Badtrip! Bat ganito ang epekto mo sa ken???

By the way, I was happy when I went to bed last night for I got to kiss your cheek again. :)

It didn't hurt

Funny when you realized that you have really moved on. Some may not believe it, but it can happen easily. Or perhaps I never really loved the person, I just loved the idea of being inlove.

Earlier today, my friend asked me if I was hurt last night. I said, "No". A single word, without any explanation. I just knew it didn't hurt.

And yes I realized just now, it's supposed to hurt last night but I was glad all night long. Or if it haven't sunk in yet that night, I should've felt it today. But na... Last night was one of the blast. I'm happy and I see things on the bright side.

The next question now is, Why did I moved on that fast and that easy? (chuckles...) I have an idea but it's something I have yet to confirm.

The Sacrament of Waiting

Sharing this article forwarded by one of my girlfriends. A good read for all the singles out there.

The Sacrament of Waiting
by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.


The English poet John Milton wrote that those who serve only also stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts that all the greatest deeds of derring-do go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives. Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control). We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye and give the last wave of hand. We wait for springs to come - or autumn - for the rains to begin and stop. And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop.

We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions. We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is a part of the tapestry of living - the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives. Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. "Grab all the gusto you can get!" So reads one of America's greatest beer ads - get it now! Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything. Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom - pre-marital sex
and extra marital affairs - they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting
anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful - what was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure - "Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated."

Not if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray wind of leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it -how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime. Why is this? Why can we not have it right now what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years - and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit - the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond. There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands - having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments; or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your own path - good-byes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give. So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways.

There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story. What do we lose when we refuse to wait; when we try to find shortcuts through life - when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery - that waiting is part of the substance -the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written. How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it?

Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for. How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel. What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened. Trust me. Is it wrong to expect while waiting? It's not wrong, but it will increase your chances of heartbreak and disappointment if things don't work out in the end. Is it good to expect while waiting? It is better to HOPE. What's the difference between hoping and expecting? HOPING means you're open to either side of the coin landing though you're more inclined to believe that things will turn out well. EXPECTING means you're thinking single-track... which won't do you much good at all. What's the difference between waiting and expecting? EXPECTING is waiting for something TO DEFINITELY HAPPEN. WAITING is staying where you are, but not necessarily expecting something to happen definitely.

Do you need assurance from someone you're waiting for while you're waiting? Ideally, yes. But realistically, do you really want assurance from this person? It's so easy to just point at something and make that the reason why you're waiting ("Because she said..." "Because he told me that..."). With WAITING, all you really can rely on are three things: your gut feel, your heart and mind. Just YOURSELF, not anyone else. So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these three questions (and pray!) until you get a solid answer.

THEN you'll know if he or she is worth waiting for.





Image taken from http://www.flickr.com/photos/tobyloc/51958668/

Why are we still friends?

by 98 Degrees

This is the soundtrack of my week:

We do almost everything that lovers do
And that's why it's hard just to be friends with you
And everytime your heart is broken by the fool
I want you to know that it hurts me too
It's hard to wipe your tears away
Knowing you should be with me,

Tell me why, why are we still friends?
When everything says we should be more than what we are
And tell me why
Everytime I find someone that I like
We always end up being just friends

I would hate for you to find somebody new
Who you really love
Cause it could mean losing you
But am I a fool boy not to say
If I'm always scared I'll lose you anyway
Somehow someway I've got to choose
Got to choose no matter if it's win or lose

I don't want to be like your sister
I don't want to be your best friend
I only want to be your lover
When will this end?
If I told you that I want to be in your life?
If you could be the woman in mine

Dating and Finding the One

I met with my Wise Up girls again yesterday. We talked about my unsuccessful date, the funny and awkward things that happened to me that Friday. We laughed at the different scenes of my first blind date. And they all came to a conclusion that going on a date with someone you haven't met before is not a good idea after all.

Being the youngest and most idealistic, I was forcing my friend who is 20 months older than me to start dating. But she refused and said, "Forcing yourself to fall in love just because you think it’s your turn is not a good idea." According to her, she is not yet ready to enter a relationship.

I told her that though people have different level of mental and emotional maturity in entering a real and serious relationship, we have to consider the biological maturity of our body. We cannot deny that women's body has an expiration date which is earlier than men's. As I grew older and watch how relationships around me begin and end, I realized the importance of intimacy and physical attraction in falling in love. The older you get, the less time you have to find your soulmate and the less likely that you'll attract him/her. *at least for a woman

She thinks that her prince charming will knock at her door and confess his love for her.She believes in destiny and so do I.

But what if waiting for prince charming takes forever? What if he comes by the time that you're already on you're forties and is no longer at the socially accepted marrying age.

There's nothing wrong with dating and having new friends. As I quote Wikihow, " The more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet your soulmate, so try and talk to as many people as possible. You never know if the next person you talk to could be your soulmate."

Goodbye 2010!

When I'm at home, sick and alone... I can't help it but think of the things that I've done in 2010. The year when my heart has almost evolved on you alone.

Was it my fault? Do I have a lot of shortcomings? Am I insensitive? If I worked harder and made you feel more special, would it turn out differently?

I am hoping that you are completely happy now. I have not hope for anything but your happiness.

I am trying not to think about you. That's for my own good for I am just getting hurt everyday. If I can't totally erase it, I hope I get numb. Don't worry it's not your fault... Stupid me for crying over something that has never been mine.

By the way, I am currently listening to "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

2011 Moving On

The last few days of 2010 has been devastating for me.

A lot of realizations, a number of unwanted events and face offs. I was hurt, I cried and made quick decisions in life.

Now in 2011, I am looking forward for a better year. I am 22, still single but I am wiser.

For all the singles out there, I am wishing you a happy 2011!!!