My last love letter for IH

Why did you say those words? Those could have mean a lot if I heard them from you seven years ago. Isn't it funny? You're saying those words when those sweet things don't mean anything to me.

I heard that you're already a dad. If I may quote you, "IH, the proud dad".

I can imagine how pretty your daughter could be. She must have gotten your eyes. Those dark eyes which have always captured my attention. I hope she got that smooth brown skin of yours. Perhaps she also smiles the way you do.

I wanna see her... I always visit your profile just to check if you have uploaded her pictures.

I hope you'll learn to love the mother of your baby. I have nothing against the mom, but at this early stage, I feel sorry for her. I don't quite understand why you don't speak about her. How come you don't even have a picture of her... and how come you are saying those words to me when you know that someone is longing and waiting for you.

You know that I have loved you... you were my first love. But I am not sure if you have also felt the same way.

Don't think that the reason why I don't wanna meet you is because I am still the fifteen year old me. I have grown up... I have changed. I don't wanna see you yet... Not now. I know that you are currently at your weakest point, you might say words that you will later regret.

I love you... It is true that first love never dies. But it can change from a romantic love to a brotherly love.

Fidelity....

FIDELITY by Regina Spektor

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart

Why can't gravity make you fall for me?

I envy those people who blog about happy thoughts. I hope I can be like them too.

Why is it easier for me to talk about the negative feelings I have? Law of attraction!!! Please help me... Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!

Where's happiness?

Please forgive me for my grammar and my spelling. I did not have a formal study on the language that I will be using. My way of writing is based on my usual conversation and how I've seen my grandfather write letters and stories. For those who can understand this language, you don't have to feel sorry for me. This is just a confession of a drama queen.

Mapagal na cu. Bala cu ali cu magsawa caring pamangawan cu... Bala cu ali cu aranasang maging macanini calungcut. Macapagal pala ing manenaya caring bageng ali mu balu nung datang.

Macamurit ing mamasa. Macamurit ing magpanggap a agyu cu ing eganagana, magcunwari cung ali cu apectado istung ali mu apapansinan ing pamangawan cu. Ating oras a aiisip cu, macarine nala pala ding pemangawa cu. Minsan pa, maybug cung gumaga uling ali mu cu aintindyan, uling ala mu queca ing pamangawan cu.

Pero anggang macanta, tutuloy cu pa rin ing cabolangan cu. Anggang mapagal na cu, sasawa na cu, maririne na cu ampong mamumurit na cu, ali cu tutucnang. Ali cu pa naman ginaga dahil queca... pero ditac na mu, pipilitan cung ali.

Handa cung manenaya queca. Anggang malambat, alang casu canacu ita. Pero ini ing paquisabi cung mayap, nung ali mu cu agyung luguran, sabyanan mu cu. Ali mu sabyan canacu ing tabalu. Uling ing tabalu, dinan na cung maling pag-asa. Lalu mu cu mung pasaquitan.

Dear Self, how are you?

Dear Self,

How are you? It's been a long time since I bothered to ask.

I was remembering how you were like two years ago.

It's September of 2008 and you've started on your first job after college. Remember, how hard it was for you to give up the business that you and your friends put up? How it felt when you were unsure if you would still be friends after that business flapped. But then you managed to be together and you realized the difference between keeping someone's company and having a friend.

On these past two years, you had a lot of your firsts.

You had your first airplane ride.
It was your first time in Bora.
You had your first helmet diving experience.
You had your first mamam (drinking alcohol) after work.
It was your first time to give false reasons to your mom why you're not staying home.
It was your first time to sleep in the hotel because you went barhopping with your girls till dawn.
You had your first real date.
You had your first kiss in the elevator.
You had your first boyfriend (imagine how stupid you were?)
It was your first time to be the other girl.
You had your first breakup.
It was your first and last time to play games and cheat on men. You were afraid of karma.
You had your first laptop.
It was your first and last time not to pay the correct amount in the restaurant (remember when you broke a plate and how you hid it under the couch to make sure that you and your friends will not pay for it?)
It was your first time to distrust your father.
You had your first investigation on your father's fidelity followed by many more investigations.
It was your first time to raise your voice to your father.
You began accepting infidelity as part of human nature.
You started not believing in marriage after what you've seen amongst the people around you.
You learned that the person who loves less has more power in a relationship.
You realized that life is unfair.
You learned that men are a bunch of perve morons (with an exception to your brothers).
You've become a totally different person.

But then, today, you've again changed. You have a different set of ideals... You started to believe in love. But of course, you are more realistic now, aren't you? Best of all, you now know what you want. You're tired of quitting and thinking of what ifs.

Please be happy...

Today is nothing but an ordinary day. Yet I feel sad... there's a feeling of emptiness. Extreme loneliness...

Other than I only have two hundred pesos in my wallet and there is nothing more I can withdraw from the ATM, there's nothing special on this day. I can't think of any valid reason to feel this distressed.

I even went home on time. Imagine? I usually leave the office at around 730pm. Working an additional hour or two from what is required from me. But today, I came to work a lot earlier, 8:27 AM and left the office at 5:33 PM.
I do not want to watch movies in my brother's laptop,
I'm not enjoying the dramas on TV,
I'm not in the mood to have the usual after work talk with my kuya.
I only want to look blankly in the air... stare at nothing and think of unnecessary things which makes me feel more alone.

Could this be what they call Mid life crisis? Well, I hope not. I'm only turning 22, I'm too young to experience that.

On a different note, seeing you today in your gray shirt made me feel better... just like any usual day. The sight of you helped, but yet I still feel awful.

Now, I'm wondering how are you feeling inside. Perhaps you feel bluer than me. Though I see you laugh, smile and nod, I can feel that you are incomplete. Your eyes are telling me that you are not completely happy.

Can you please be happy? How can I brighten up your face? I'm thinking that maybe if I'll see a gleeful you, I'll feel better. While typing these, I feel like smiling. Hmmm... I got it right. Your happiness is my happiness.

Love Letter for my Mentor

As the title says, this is my love letter for you.

You have occupied my mind for quite some months already and yet I haven't written much about you. I was back reading my previous blogs... it has been 2 months and I should be doing something more aggressive to tell you how I feel. It seems like all my clues are not affecting you. I have been dropping some cheesy lines in our skype group chats, my status message in Facebook has always been about you. I have said my feelings a number of times right in front of you but you still haven't recognized that you are the person I am describing.

You see, this is my personal blog and I have no intentions of letting people who know me to read this. Yet, I am writing this down for me to have a more vivid memory of how it feels to like you. These experiences and feelings that I currently have are what I want to remember when I get old.

My job history shows that I have the tendency to hop companies and jobs from time to time. Other than the fact that this company is the best among all that I have been, you are the reason why I managed and still manages to stay. I should have already gotten bored with the same routine that I do everyday and that is already enough reason for me to submit my resignation. Yet your smile, and your voice makes every single day different for me. You give me the reason to be excited to go to work and always have the positive attitude towards work.

As I know more about you, I seem to fall deeper and deeper to you. You should have been the most boring person that I've met. You don't drink, don't smoke, and I bet you haven't done anything wild in your whole life. These qualities do not seem attracting for a lot of people and for the old me as well. Yet I learned to love these qualities.

Since you don't give jokes that much, I always look forward hearing you crack funny statements and burst into laughs while delivering it. I love those moments... I love talking to you in coffee shops, 7-11, and in the pantry about serious stuffs. Topics which can be senseless but appears to be life changing for me. The place doesn't matter, as long as you are the one I am talking to.

If you ever got to read this, please don't ignore me nor try to hide from me. I am not sure how you would react nor if you would even realize that you are the person I am referring to in this blog. I like you... But don't worry, this is not a selfish love. I am not expecting you to love me back the way I love you. I am willing to wait... Just give me a heads up once you are ready.